Q: My boyfriend just dumped me! We dated for about 2 months. I was completely taken by surprise. We never had any arguments and we’re really physically attracted to each other. He says we’re “just too different”. I mean, I’m a woman, he’s a man. We already were “different” to begin with! What does that mean when a guy says that? Do you think he’s dating someone else?

Max: I think this may be more of an ego issue for you. You need to learn to deal with the fact that a person may not like you, despite the fact you think you are getting along great. The point here is to not try to figure out the reason(s) behind his motivation, but rather for you to accept and move on.

Maxine: I know it’s a tough situation to be rejected, especially when you perceived it as a great relationship, but Max is right. Its time to accept it and move on. You will only torture yourself more trying to analyze your relationship. The end result will still be the same. If you already have an ego, (as Max suspects), then you will know that you are a hot commodity, and will have no problem in finding someone else who won’t be “too different”.

Q: I really like this woman and we’ve been hanging out as friends for the past 6 months. She just went through a divorce last year. She’s been dating around but not seriously. I know she’s still feeling emotional about the divorce. I want to go out with her but then I don’t want to Mr. Rebound Man and at the same time, I can’t keep waiting around for her to resolve her issues since there are other women who are interested in dating me. How should I handle this?

Max: When I travel, I prefer not to check in my baggage because it’s a lot of trouble. The same train of thought applies to life as well. In this particular case, she is carrying baggage and I urge you to seriously consider if you want or can live with this. Already, you are in a bad situation by being a potential rebounder and waiting around like a little shrimp. I suggest you take the next plane out of her life or stay with her as friends. Getting along with someone as friends does not necessarily translate into relationship success.

Maxine: Your instincts of being Mr. Rebound Man are correct. I’m certain she’s not in any position to develop a relationship with anyone right now and even you know that. Don’t set yourself up for failure here. I’d strongly suggest for you to continue supporting her as a friend and give her the time to heal/deal from the divorce. You will not only make her a better person for it, but it will be the healthiest act you could do for the friendship and not to mention, for yourself! Also, take advantage of the fact that there are people who are interested in you!! Remember, in life, timing is everything. If you are ready to date someone, and develop a relationship, choose someone who’s on the same page.

Q: My male friend just asked me to join him on an overseas business trip. I suspect he likes me more than just a friend and that this trip will be a “test” to see whether our friendship can turn into a relationship. However, I am not attracted to him at all and it’s difficult to turn down a free trip! What should I do?

Max: I think you have to ask yourself, “What’s my motivation in life and what am I willing to do to achieve that?” It sounds like you’re struggling between material things (free trip) versus ethics. Alternatively it might be helpful if you discuss your concerns with your friend, which may help you better make your decision. Communication, once again, is the key to success.

Maxine: Nothing in life is free. As Max mentioned, this is an ethical issue. Are you willing to go through the guilt of taking an all expense trip with someone you’re not remotely interested in? Consider the consequences here. You will be satisfying yourself by taking advantage of a free trip, but at the same time, you will have to deal with a person who has nothing but romantic interest in you. He will become frustrated and saddened and may no longer want to remain friends after the trip. Are you willing to lose a friendship from this? Are you willing to lose integrity, especially since you knew he asked you on this trip to possibly further the friendship into a relationship? In any case, you should really voice your concerns to him and figure out what his real expectations are for asking you on this trip and decide from there.

Q: I just found out recently that a guy that I’ve been dating has been sleeping around with other women. He made it seem that our relationship was progressing and that he was falling for me. What are some telltale signs of a guy who is a player? I don’t want to be fooled again!

Maxine: Wow, I’m sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, there isn’t a foolproof way of going about this. But I would advise to always follow your gut instincts. Most people have keen intuition when it comes to observing someone’s behavior versus their word. Actions always speak louder than words. Some signs may include; not being available when receiving your phone calls or scheduling future dates, noticing that he receives a lot of phone calls from people he refuses to name, refusing to disclose too much information about himself or his associations, and giving too many strange excuses. Every dating situation is a learning experience. You should feel enlightened to know that you aren’t with this person any longer and to know to follow your instincts when dating someone in the future.

Max: First of all, I don’t think you should automatically label him as a player. Have you communicated with him that the relationship is exclusive? Maybe to him this is an open relationship. Perhaps he is really falling for you, but at the same time he wants to date other people to appreciate you. Instinct is important, but communication is more. You have to establish the foundation first. Back to your question, there is no way to tell if someone is a player, so please don’t judge, communicate.

Q: I just started dating this guy and we’re getting along really well. However, I’m concerned by the fact that he wants to work in Asia. Should I just not date him anymore knowing that he’ll be moving out of the country in about 1-2 years? It’s analogous to: “if you know how a movie is going to end, do you still want to see the movie?”

Maxine: Do you believe in the quote, “its better to have loved and lost, then to never loved at all?” I would greatly imply it here. It’s hard enough to find someone you get along with really well, let alone want to get into a relationship with! Why not enjoy the time together now. Who knows, anything can happen in 1-2 years! Maybe he’ll ask you to move to Asia with him! Or maybe he’ll change his mind and want to stay here with you! In any case, enjoy the time you have now, life is too short not to!

Max: Maxine is not answering the deeper issue here. Both of you have a character flaw in that you’re both selfish. There is more to life than what is in it for you. But if you don’t change, than yes, you should end it now. It’s easier and less emotional to end something now than 1-2 years from now. In Vegas you have to learn to cut your losses, same thing applies to life.

Max and Maxine are independent columnists.

Have a question? Write to Maxine@baare.org