Q: Whenever my boyfriend and I have arguments, he inevitably talks to his ex-girlfriend to talk about it! He insists that they are just good friends now and he’s not trying to get back together with her. I want to believe him, but I'm having a real problem accepting the idea that this isn’t some kind of ploy on his part to get sympathy from his former girlfriend and perhaps eventually more. Plus, I’m not exactly thrilled to know that our private issues are being heard and discussed by someone else. How do I disengage the third wheel in this relationship?

Maxine: First, communication and tone are key here. In a non-argumentative fashion, you will need to bring the topic of privacy with your boyfriend. You’re certainly entitled to keeping your personal issues, as they are, personal! Second, its YOU he is currently dating, its YOU he’s trying to reconcile his differences with, and its YOU he’s talking to his ex-girlfriend about! They’ve had their chance at love, and it failed. An ex- is an ex- for good reason. It’s always hard to revive a romantic relationship from the past. Besides, if they broke up 2 years ago, I can easily say they are “just” friends. It’s now time to focus on the present – the two of you! Third, with that said, I can’t guarantee that the ex-girlfriend will go away, but at least your boyfriend will have to come to an understanding to respect your feelings of privacy. But with some faith and security in yourself and your relationship, you can come to a better understanding of the close friendship your boyfriend shares with his ex- and one day feel comfortable enough to even grow a friendship with her!

Max: The bigger issues here are that your relationship lacks trust and respect. You two should focus on building those two qualities and the third wheel will disengage naturally. Maxine’s second point is useless. You cannot convince someone of how a person should feel/act in a relationship.

Q: About 18 months ago, I experienced incredible “head-over-heels-love at first sight”, the kind where I thought I had really found my soul mate. But after dating for five months, my boyfriend felt that I wasn’t the one for him and broke up with me. I was completely heartbroken. Just recently, within the last month, I’ve met a guy who I’m interested in and we’ve been dating. He’s been very sweet and wonderful to me and while my feelings for him aren’t quite as deep as they were for my ex-, I do have feelings for him. However, a few days ago, my ex- called me up out of the blue. I warily met him for coffee. My ex- then told me that he had realized he had made “the biggest mistake of his life” (his exact words) and asked if we could get back together. I’ll admit that a big part of my heart wants to give the ex- a second try; I never really got over him the first time around. My fear is that if I don’t, I’ll always have a lifelong regret about never knowing if he really was the one for me. The risk is that if I do, I’ll hurt my current relationship. What do you think?

Maxine: I’m a big believer in following your heart and second chances, but be optimistically cautious! Figure out how he came to this great epiphany of you. And if the reason is truly something you believe will only strengthen your love for him, I would strongly advise for you to take the chance and revive that love again! It’s once in a lifetime for you to ever feel that someone is your soul mate, so follow your instincts. If you are going to be sleepless for any reason, please have the love of your life there to entertain you! What are you waiting for??!! Get out there and join your soul mate now!

Max: No way should you give your ex second chance, as mature males do not let opportunity slip away. You are not over him because this is an ego issue as he broke things off during good times. I’m willing to bet if you take him back, the same scenario will appear. Maxine’s response is completely contradictory to her previous answer, as she doesn’t recommend you to “It’s now time to focus on the present – the two of you”.

Q:About four months ago, I got dumped by my boyfriend of almost four years. It was my first serious, long-term relationship. At one point, we were talking about getting engaged and I could definitely see myself settling down with him and having the house with the white picket fence. But obviously, all was not well. For whatever reason, he started to shut down and didn't offer me the care or attention to maintain the relationship. And then one day, he simply told me “This isn’t working out for me” and that was it. Four years came to an abrupt, skidding end. Fast forward to today. I've done a lot of thinking. I know that I truly am a good person and deserve someone who will treat me well. I am doing all of the right things: taking care of myself, spending time with people I love, pursuing neglected interests and hobbies, but…I am still obsessed with him, the relationship, all of it. The whole thing haunts me, it's been hard to enjoy other parts of my life with this preoccupation hanging over me at every moment. How do I get over this?

Max: First of all, in your next relationship, if the guy doesn’t ask you to marry him within two years, you should end it first. Now, I congratulate you on your proactive approach to improve yourself because it’s important to establish yourself as a person so you’ll be able to receive and give unconditionally. There is nothing you can do to get over your obsession until you fall for someone else. All you can do now is to continue to focus on what you are currently doing, and your Prince Charming will ride into your life.

Maxine: I completely agree with Max. All things happen for good reason. This applies to good genuine people like you. Every break up, especially the first one of substance, is tough. Regardless of the reason, the conclusion remains the same. You did nothing wrong, and there’s nothing you could have done to make things better. In due time, you too will heal and come to the realization that you were better off without him and now you are a stronger person for it. In the meantime, keep yourself occupied with things that make you happy, and set goals you would want to accomplish. And when you are ready again, love will cross your path. Instead of looking for the erase button, how about just pressing play and enjoy the times you have now and the times you have to look forward to!

Q: I just started dating this guy but we’ve already experienced “yo-yo” dating. We would see each other for a week or two and then break up and get back together. It’s like the “can’t live with or live without” syndrome. What’s going on here? The problems that cause us to break up vary each time but then we realize that we should try to work it out and then we get back together only to have another conflict and then break up again. A lot of our issues our expectations that we have for one another. Shouldn’t a relationship flow naturally?

Max: This is a recipe for a disaster relationship. A relationship should flow naturally but the good news is that you two appear to be able to articulate your issues and resolve the conflict. However, you should be concerned for the long term based on your expectations. I would suggest you take a long hard look at what you want out of the relationship and then decide from there. My guess is that this guy doesn’t fit your ideal relationship so better to cut your losses.

Maxine: Relationships develop in various ways, as Max does not acknowledge. Sure we all would love for them to develop smoothly, but as we mature, or become much more “colored” with dating experiences, expectations grow and reality sets in. Relationships can develop, regardless if they are smooth or not. If you really are truly interested in each other, it’s time to stop being so afraid and noncommittal, and start indulging in what could be a beautiful relationship. Start by defining your expectations of a relationship with each other, and also become more understanding as to what the other person may be feeling. If and when you feel disappointed, remember to have faith and patience and give each other the benefit of the doubt. With all that in mind, I believe in time, things will become more stable, and you’ll both feel more comfortable with your expectations. And if in that same time, things don’t stabilize, and then I would agree with Max to just cut your losses.

Max and Maxine are independent columnists.

Have a question? Write to Maxine@baare.org